SmackyGirl

I bless myself for being so lucky to have survived Cervical Cancer 1 year and 5 months ago. It could of gone the wrong way as it sadly has to many women before me who has got this disease. Many of these are very young women who have passed away to this terrible disease. At the hospital where I go for my controls every 3rd month there is a poster on the wall in the hospital waiting room saying “Livet er det fineste”. Which means Life is the Finest. And it is quoted by a girl called Thea Steen who passed away to this disease and who was also a blogger talking about her fight against cancer. One of our tv channels TV2 made a documentary that followed her until the day she passed away in the hospital in 2016 .. It is a very strong documentary I recommend people watching it. Maybe people will understand how horrible this disease is and take action and frequently go test themselves. 

Many girls and women don`t go and check themselves every 3rd month as recommended. You are in the danger zone if you are a girl with multiple unprotected sexual partners. Always use a condom. Many men carry the HPV virus, which can lead to Cervical cancer in women. Also smoking, having a bad lifestyle and eating unhealthy food are also a way you can get this type of cancer. This type of cancer has very often no symptoms and many will never notice anything at all before in later and the dangerous and deadly stages of this disease. You can go for many years not knowing you have it and you might be too late for a treatment if you don`t go check yourselves often enough. 

I can say I am nearly cured from my cancer today. I still have some spreading in my throat lymphatics, that is why it is important that I go to my controls as well. My next control is on 9th of October. I also go for a CT scan ones a year. It used to be every 3rd month, but after the doctors were so satisfied with my results last year, they decided my next CT was a year a head of instead. So my next now is in January 2019. That comforts and relaxes me a lot knowing that when they have good news like that <3

Yet I don`t feel completely cured still either.  Its painful waking up in the morning with stomach pains and getting through the whole day without having troubles learning how I am going to live a comfortable life with these aftereffects that came sneaking upon on me right after 2 months of Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy last year. I sadly now painfully feel some of the worst side effects you can get from having cancer treatment..

The first things I am noticing is my speaking. I have problems finding words and saying them. I struggle with concentrating if there is a large group talking. Or if someone has a longer story to tell. I fall out quickly. Or if someone goes out of the room while we are talking and comes back to talk about the same thing I have forgotten what we were even talking about.. I forget where I have put things, and I think I have lost my stuff all the time, and I spend so much time looking for my stuff confused around my house or at my mates houses. My friends have been very patient with me because they know I am struggling with keeping up at the moment. They help me a lot finding my money, my keys, phone and lighters and also with remembering things.. I forget things very fast and I too often now need to have some things explained to me more than once for me to keep up.

I have fainted 3 times this last year, had one last week again. And last one was so painful, because I landed on my face and woke up in a blood bath in my bathroom. Also fainted in my bathroom this May and also had one fainting last year in my kitchen where I landed badly on my foot and could not walk for days. 

This last week I fainted again, and it seems like its always happening when I wake up in the morning. I feel intense pain in my belly and feel very ill right before it happens, and then I just collapse and after a while I don`t know how long I had been laying but I wake up understanding that I had just fainted again… And it takes a long time before I can get up from the floor. Luckily I have my cat Oliver who has been sitting next to me every time this has happened watching over me. Its a little bit scary when this happens, specially when you live on our own and no one can come help you. So I have been to the doctor last week. They took a heart test, blood samples and they also took other tests. I have not heard anything from my doctor yet. I was worried I was getting sick again … 

(Me fainting on the bathroom floor again last week)

I also feel what chemo has done with my back. It is not very painful yet, a bit more like aching at the moment but it tears on me. I was taken off the Chemotherapy before it was fully completed because my bone marrow could not handle anymore and my blood platelet fell down too. So they stopped it before I needed a donor or bleed to death from the platelet collapsing. So its pure luck probably that I am still here alive and breathing to tell you the tale but I had a lot of good doctors both on and outside the hospital helping me that I could have not survived without. 

I need to relax more then I used to. I find myself often falling a sleep in the middle of the day out of exhaustion.  I can also no longer be close with anyone or have a boyfriend, because the radiotherapy has totally destroyed me.  So I am waiting for an operation so they can open me up again. The Cervical cancer is a bit complicated for my simple English to explain to ya`ll.

But the radiotherapy and its lasers basically turns everything around in a woman and closes us when we no longer are productive. I am only 36 and the Radiotherapy got me into something called artificial menopause in less than 24 hours on the last 4 days of my treatment at the hospital.  So you can say I am in the middle of the worst stage right now and it will keep going on at least a year or more I`v been told. And I have read that some can also have menopause symptoms all their life.. I hope that`s not going to be my case. I take estrogen medicine and it helps a lot on the hot flashes thank God for that, they are not nice to have at all.

But it does not help much on all the thoughts and feelings I have inside.  I am feeling a lot on the emotional part lately. And that can be very tough some days and often I just want to be home alone. Thou it would be nice to have someone to talk and snuggle up with at night. If I was 90+ I would probably don`t do anything about it, but I think its a bit soon to cash in on my sex life just yet at 36….  I am waiting to get my operation so I have at least one less problem to stress about. But it tears on you that you can`t function fully as a woman. We are all human and have needs. Getting this disease is going to rearrange your whole life and keep making life difficult to live. Even though I have been told “You`re cured” 

It doesn`t feel like that to me.. Too many days I still feel like shit 

I have a lot of good friends that has been there for me the whole way, and I am so thankful for all the love and support they show me. Yet sometimes I sit home and cry my eyes out and wishing Jay was here with me to help me through this… But sometimes I think I get little hints, or like when something suddenly is happening around that I can connect to him. Like sometimes a song comes on the radio that means something to us, or I just happen to fall over some stuff that makes me sometimes wonder if he has been around watching over me the whole time? But it definitely feels very empty and lonely not having my closest friend to hold my hand when my days were most difficult.

It is important for me to share my story to help prevent more girls becoming sick. You don`t want this disease and it is going to be with you for the rest of your life… If you make it that is.. 

x Mz Smacky x

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