SmackyGirl

Just one more month of waiting until my tests at the hospital starts. The waiting has been the worst. I had to wait 3 months after I finished chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Because even though I am finished my treatment, it is still doing its job in my body. That is why I have to do all the waiting before they can begin the new test to see if it has had any positive effects.

 Also the menopause symptoms has been awful but I am starting to learn how to live with them now. But they have been so horrible that I have cut myself off from the entire world. My family, friends and online world. I just needed to figure out how I am going to live with these bothers. Googling it, it says that they can be there for about 2 till 3 years but some also will have them for life. I have medicine taking away the hot flashes. They were pretty awful, and it turned out I am allergic to Indivnia as they are called. Right now I am trying some alternate medicine I found in a health shop. They seem to be working better. But what they are not working so good on is the emotional, all the feelings and what is making my mood swings. I know I hurt my family and friends telling them to stay away and leave me alone to deal with this.. I can`t take on everyones worries and I have referred them to the care phone the cancer union have to take care of close family and friends of cancer victims. I understand that they also need to talk to someone about their worries. Seeing my mum struggle on Christmas broke my heart to pieces. I was always her little girl that never made any fuzz or cried as a baby, she told me I was the most wonderful baby in the world.. I know how scared she is, but I can just tell her this. Mum I`m not going anywhere. I`ll be fighting in silence like I always do.. I might not always be the most outspoken or social person in real or online when I know I should be telling my side of the story, but that is not me. I find pride in fighting everything with my silence. 

That is why I wanted to stay away from everyone, to not risk having a go at someone I care about. That would be the worst because I know they would forgive me knowing what I am going through. But I couldn`t forgive myself if I hurt someone I care about.

Normally women will go through the menopause gracefully and over time. After 4 weeks of Radiotherapy on the outside they finished it with 4 treatments on the inside which basically threw my into menopause in 1 day. Leaving me not working fully as a woman anymore. I can no longer have children and menopause is over me with full effect in 24 hours. I know a lot of my friends have tried to cheer me up and say relax you are only 35 and they are telling me I should be miles away from being in that stage in life. But sadly that is what happens when you have a laser burning inside of you down in the belly region. I have chosen to block these people because they don`t want to understand and I don`t want to hurt them. I hope they understand.

There is so many things I want to do. Travel and blog again like I used to do.. But my head is too busy worrying about if my health is better or worse since I started my treatment. They took me off the chemotherapy because my body couldn’t handle any more. But was it enough to kill the spreading on my lymphatics, or do they have a plan if it is still spreading.

So many questions.

But let’s hope the cancer has gone away. If not I’ll be fighting on.

I know I haven`t blogged in a while and I am sorry. I hope you understand why.

A little light in my life you might have seen me talk about on my social media if you follow me there. I got a cat, a little kitten named Oliver. He is the only right thing that has happened since I got sick. So even if I choose to be alone, I am not totally alone. I have my black knight in a cat form taking care of me.. He is a wonderful little star in my life.. Even if he crawls under the duvet at night and attacks my toes haha.

I can`t make a promise I will blog again soon. This was more or less forced because I know a lot of you are following this. I thank so many of you for the care and love you have shown me.. I even got requests to do interviews that made me happy. And I have saved the names of the guys you wish me to interview. But at the moment now I sadly can`t do any interviews. Also a little reminder. I only do work for French-Twinks at the moment. So if you have interview request it has to involve them. They have been so understanding and professional towards me in this time I decided to stick around them if they need me.. I only do interviews to have my own little business in here. I have always tried to be honest and say I don`t really watch any porn these guys are in. But over time knowing Dakota Shine so personal as I did, I always felt that these guys deserved to be looked at as real people and not just wank mags as many of you fans see them as. My interviews will never contains questions that are sexually related. I will always try to draw the real person out and make them look as dignified as I can do. I admire people who can have a job like that, because I could never have done it.. I have gotten to know a heck of a lot of nice guys over the time. So that you fans e-mail me asking me to interview porn stars warms my heart. It means I am aiming at the right sort of fans and readers I want to..

 I`ll be back when I feel like it..

Always yours

Mz Smacky 

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