SmackyGirl

It`s hard to move on and accept that someone has passed away when you find yourself with a puzzle that doesn`t have all the pieces to become complete. Every day since Jay passed I have felt it deep in my heart that there is something there that doesn`t add up to what happened to him. It is a very disturbing and stressful thought to have that something isn`t right and that it could be something more than what we already know. I feel that there is something we have overlooked. I`v been thinking more and more every day that I might contact a private investigator to help me look for the clues and answers that I fear they might find. He was my bestfriend, my world totally tipped over the day he passed.

Many different sources have brought me information since he passed, and a lot I have have found on my own these past few months. This is information that I later add and put together in my head that makes everything so difficult to accept with the final report. I know it would probably cost me everything I own investing in someone that could possible help me get a bigger picture on the whole situation, but when it comes to a person that meant the whole world not only for me but I meant the whole world for him as well I would gladly become homeless or be starving if it meant that someone took his passing seriously and tried to get more information or the last pieces to the puzzle to make sense.

He wouldn`t of wanted me to just let it go if it meant that there was something more to it. What kind of friend would I have been if all I did was kiss him good night and say I love you the last time I saw him laying in his coffin. That was a very disturbing and surreal day and it has left something that has damaged me on the inside from seeing him like that. Because all the silly thoughts that us two bestfriends used to say to each other when he was alive came rushing in on me reminding me that this wasn`t the way it was suppose to go. We were stupid and childish enough to say that we were going to die together and lay in the same coffin because no of us could think of being in a world without the other. That thought that one of us would die and leave the other behind alone on this planet was such a scary and far away thought for him and I.

That horrible day my husband passed and I was standing by his coffin in shock every thought in my mind was confused, scared, devastated, angry and upset, but I also became dedicated to a long term soul mate that I was going to find out everything that has happen to him so I could relax knowing that someone didn`t do anything evil against him on his last day. I know he wasn`t easy to be around at some days but neither wasn`t I always, and that was one of the main reasons for why we clicked so perfect as friends. And Jay could be the most beautiful human in the world that deserved all my devotion and care for him even after his passing. I never asked for him to love me but he did confess it all though it lead to me backing away from him and myself for a while.

But we always stayed in touch and he called out for his Diamond several times the last year when he was upset from someone else hurting him and needed his Smacky. We were one and we could never be far away from one another. We just chose to shut everyone that brought us nothing but envy and difficulties out from our friendship. Because him and I knew that we had something special and didn`t want to throw that away and let others destroy it because they wanted what I had with him. There could never be another me in his life for that you would have to know the deeper meaning of why we were bestfriends, and what we did for each other because there was times that some people tried to become my next Jay as well. But no one could ever replace that important man he he was in my life. People should start their own story with people not try to replace someone. That is just as bad as being someones rebound partner after one or the other has ended a relationship. I would be humiliated if someone made me that in a new persons life.

He for filled everything I wanted in a friend. I never wanted perfect we wanted someone that was worth fighting for, loving and caring for and at the same time a person that would give us the most wonderful time in our lives and that loved me unconditionally and forgave one another for every stupid little thing we could get ourselves to do over time. And he deserves my full attention now after his passing and into the future. Maybe now even more then before, because I have this really bad feeling that something is not right, pieces are missing, the puzzle bits doesn`t fit and some bits are missing completely.. This feeling increases day by day and it can eat me up some days and making me wonder if Jay is trying to reach out from wherever he is and help me in the right direction from where to start looking. We have always been spiritual ,and he claimed that we could read each other without speaking a word. Through meditation and a very deep and close friendship that almost felt like we both were under a magical spell we were connected beyond and I am not surprised at all that this feeling I have inside could be coming from him. And it is going to eat me alive if I don`t follow my gut and find out what happened to my Gummi Bear.

I have accepted that I am never going to find a person like that again in my life. And when he is taken from me it is hard to move on or forgive it. So I continue my search for the clues that makes sense

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